I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
