I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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