I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
