I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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