Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
