I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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