why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
