well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
