I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
