apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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