Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize