You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
