dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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