Duck Duck Cougar?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
