It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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