I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
