Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
