After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
