I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
