i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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