My hand turned me down
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
