shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
