you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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