what day is it and did you see me today?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
