I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
