I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
