Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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