i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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