I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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