Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
