update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
