I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
