if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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