I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize