apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
