I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
