no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
