nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
