she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
