Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
