I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
