I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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