HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
