you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
