Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
