My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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