so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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