I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
