i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
