Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
