I just threw up on my dentist
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
FUCK WHALES
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
