thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
