i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
