Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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