I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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