The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
