Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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