i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
