Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
