Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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