Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
